We Don’t Understand Each Other—And That’s the Problem
Have you ever had a small argument spiral into something big, only to realize later it was all a misunderstanding? That’s not just a relationship issue—it’s the foundation of almost every human conflict, from family feuds to wars between nations.
At the heart of these problems is a simple but powerful truth: we don’t always understand each other’s intentions. And when we misread what someone else meant, we react in ways that make things worse.
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This is the core of what I call the Communication (of Intention) Theory.
The Root of All Conflict: Miscommunication
We all come from different worlds:
- Different cultures and languages
- Different ways of expressing emotion
- Different values and beliefs
- Different traumas and life experiences
- Different levels of access to resources (time, energy, money, safety)
These differences mean that even with the best of intentions, we often misunderstand each other. One person thinks they’re being respectful by being indirect. The other sees that as dishonest. One person expresses urgency with a raised voice. The other feels attacked.
When intention and perception don’t align, miscommunication happens. And that’s where conflict begins.
Conflict Has a Predictable Path
Misunderstandings don’t always explode immediately. They often follow a slow-burning path of escalation:
- Indirect communication – subtle hints, avoidance, silence
- Direct communication – blunt words, clear disagreement
- Aggression – blame, tone escalation, hostility
- Violence – verbal or physical harm
- Inhumanity (Singular) – dehumanizing one person
- Inhumanity (Plural) – dehumanizing entire groups
- Annihilation – systemic harm, warfare, genocide
Each step moves us further away from understanding, and closer to destruction.
Why Do Conflicts Escalate? One Word: Scarcity
So why do some misunderstandings stay small while others turn explosive?
Scarcity.
When people feel like they don’t have enough—time, money, energy, emotional support, safety—they become less patient and more reactive.
Scarcity makes us:
- Interpret things more negatively
- Feel more threatened
- Have shorter tempers
- Focus on survival instead of collaboration
When you’re already overwhelmed, it doesn’t take much to push you into anger. A small comment suddenly feels like a big attack.
That’s why even well-meaning people can fall into deep conflict when scarcity is involved. The fuel for escalation is already there.
The Path Back: Understanding Intention
The good news? Every conflict has a way out. And it starts with one thing:
Trying to understand the other person’s true intention.
That means asking:
- What did they really mean?
- Why did they say it that way?
- What are they afraid of?
- What might we have in common?
Once we begin to see each other as human again, the path reverses:
- Hatred gives way to empathy
- Aggression gives way to curiosity
- Indifference gives way to care
We shift from blaming to problem-solving together.
What If Everyone Practiced This?
Imagine if, before reacting, every person asked, “What might they have meant?” or “What pressure are they under?”
We could save relationships. We could prevent violence. We could build better workplaces, communities, and even nations.
It’s not easy. But it’s possible.
Because communication of intention is everything.
And if we can learn to understand each other’s hearts—not just their words—we might just stop most conflicts before they start.
Written by Michael D.B. Duong. Part of the “Solving for Intention” communication series. In this series, I’ll breakdown contemporary and historical conflicts under the lens that both “sides” of a war, conflict, or humanitarian issue has context or subcontext that was missed by the opposing side.